"Regret" is an interesting word when you think about it, as it straddles a line that runs from the laughable to the immobilizing. And lots of space in-between. I was thinking about what I would say if someone asked "do you have any regrets?", and I came to the realization that my answer has evolved drastically over the years. Yes, getting old(er) really does change one's perspective about a number of things.
Are there things that I wish I would have done differently? Sure, but there's an enormous caveat to that line of thought: That condition only exists because I know something NOW that I didn't know THEN. To me that seems to almost nullify that whole line of thought. Of course I have managed, even being the admitted lunkhead that I am, to learn a few things over the years. That's not a bad thing...in fact, it's an incredibly good thing. What's not to love about actually to have grown as a person? This seems far, far better than the alternative. I do acknowledge that there is a certain privilege of being in a place where you've grown enough to see what you could have done differently. Some never get that chance, either physically or by way of maturity.
Maybe the better question is this: How have I grown over the years?
Side note: I help conduct interviews at work, mostly because I have 20+ years of experience doing it and others don't. Anyway, there was a very young lady I was interviewing with two other managers and I asked her the seemingly age-ist question of "So, what do you want to do when you grow up?". Now before anyone gets too alarmed, I prefaced that by saying "I'm 60 years old and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up". The very positive implication there is that I probably don't plan on growing up, at least any time soon.
Back to regrets.
Are there career things that I wish I could have done differently or not done at all? Absolutely. But I take some solace in two related thoughts:
- I made the best decisions I could at the time with what I knew to be true.
- I never, ever did anything to intentionally harm someone else.
Are there opportunities that I missed? Sure. Looking back though, I think my gut instincts on things are far better than I have given myself credit for, which is as much about how I was raised (the "given myself credit for" part) than anything else. Confidence was not something I learned a lot about until far later in life. Maybe it's less about confidence now and more about simply "not giving a crap". Either would seem to work.
All of the above is mostly true about my personal life as well, although I will note that I see myself as a far less fully formed human outside of work than I do at work. There are plenty of things I know I need to do better, including staying in touch with folks, especially my daughters. I think that latter part exists in part because on one level I really and truly want them to live full, independent lives, without seeing a parent (me) as a burden or obligation. I know that's not entirely rational, but it is based on some semblance of reality. I also know that I have hurt people in my life, but I take some solace in the fact that such things are equal opportunity offenders, and we are all clearly guilty in one way or another. The great balance in life, I think, is understanding the line between self-awareness in service of human growth vs. a paralysis of regret.
All of the above takes on a bit of an extra meaning today, Easter Sunday. For those that believe, today is, at a macro level, a story of rebirth and redemption. Here's to hoping that we all find redemption from our sins and the insight to see them as lessons for now and the future.
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